Rectum Stretcher

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Presidential Advice

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the
White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?" Clinton asked.
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure
moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the
best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

Complaint Department

Interrogation

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:
Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not - don’t you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Man: Okay, I’d get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
Woman: - - - silence - - -
Man: Crap.

Dumb Lables

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.

Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness

Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only. (What else is there?)

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold

American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious...)


Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Possibly lost in translation?)

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.

Taking Money to Heaven

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Yet Another Lawyer Joke

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Divorced Barbie

On his way home a father remembers that it's His daughter's birthday.
At a toy store he asked the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the
display window?" The salesperson answered, "Which one? We Have: Work out
Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for
$19.95,Disco Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95. The amazed
father asked: " Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the Others only
$19.95?"
Annoyed, the salesman answered: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and of
course...One of Ken's Friends..

Juicy Steak

A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So when their neighbour began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said, "You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic."

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying, "You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish."

Golf

Moses, Jesus and an old man were out golfing one day.

Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.

Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.

The old man drives his ball, it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was picked up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, it crashed onto the green, the fish flopped out of its mouth, and the ball rolled out of the fish and into the hole.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad."

Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 a.m., the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Material Guy

A brand new Rolls Royce pulls up outside an expensive resturant and the Armani suited gent throws open the door...just as a lorry is going past which rips the door clean off. The rich man is straight on the phone to the police and when they arrive he is beside himself with grief over his damaged car and mud slpattered suit. The policeman tries in vain to calm him down but all he can say is how much this cost and how much that will be to put right etc,etc..eventully the cop looses his patience and says " you lot make me sick, all you can think about is money..you havn't even noticed that your arm was ripped off in the accident !". The rich man looked at his bloody stump and gasped then screamed " Oh god where is my Rolex !!"

Yet Another Good Reason Never To Mess With Women

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......Including the curtain rods.

[see: Two Good Resons Never To Mess With Women and Two More Good Reasons Never To Mess With Women]

It's Dark In Here

A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and
closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that $hit again."

Teenager and Old Man

A teenager with pink, blue, green, yellow and red hair sat down next to an old man in a mall and the old man just stared at him. After a few minutes the kid said "what's the matter old timer, you never did anything wild in your life?" And the old man said "Yes. I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

65 Ways To Be Annoying

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 green bottles song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.

Leave your indicator (turn signal) on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "good one".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Glade Air Freshener.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-
suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in an annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 30th of February.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Honk and wave to strangers. Call them by random names such as Bob.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
=========================================================
NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

2 More Good Resons Never To Mess With Women

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seventeen years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or
anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore,
whatever the case is, I 'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Response:

Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seventeen years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you g ot a hair cut last week, the first thing that came
to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say anything nice.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the
price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... and your
silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. >

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So
take care.
Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
===================================================
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening, he went to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away.

I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother.

[see: 2 Good Reasons Never To Mess With Women]

Church Bloopers

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.


On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.